Diner Stories

Mr. Cussing Creeper

September 2, 2011

in Diner Stories

About 2 years ago, my family and I went out for dinner at a nice chain restaurant on a Wednesday evening. After being led to our booth, given our menus and had our drink orders taken, I glanced around the area we were seated in. It seemed that we were in a sort of “family with young children” section. Our children were 10 and 13 and had been taught how to behave in restaurants, but no biggie. The restaurant seemed to be having a slow period; there was a low hum of conversation, a few other families with younger children, but no unruly children running around. That lasted for about 10 minutes.

Within 5 minutes of ordering our appetizer, the restaurant had a “rush.” It was not a holiday or school break, but all the tables in our section were filled with other families. The noise level increased but it still was not too bad. There was one young boy that decided to run around tables and in the aisle, but his mother was able to squash that behavior fairly quickly. Then the “hell” part of dinner began.

Hellish part # 1: A couple with an infant was seated behind me. They had just given their drink order when the infant started to make noises. The noises progressed to full-on, top of its lungs, ear-splitting screaming. Nothing the parents could do would stop the screaming. The mother even took the infant outside and walked it around to no avail. This baby was unhappy and was making sure everyone knew it. At this point, I would have paid for my drinks and left (as they had been unable to order due to the infant’s screaming). But NO! This couple wanted to sit down and have a meal in, even if the entire restaurant had to hear their child scream. They had to shout their order to the server.

After this screaming had been going on for about 25 minutes, the manager came out (I’m sure due to customer AND employee complaints), told them it was obvious that the infant was distressed and offered to comp their meal and have it boxed for them to take home, but they adamantly refused. By George, they were going to sit in the restaurant and eat, no matter what! They “talked” to each other by shouting OVER the infant’s screaming. The rest of the parents in this section are all looking at each other thinking “What is wrong with these people?” It was obvious to everyone but them that there was something seriously wrong with that child. Why couldn’t they just take their child home or to the ER and have a nice, sit-down dinner another time? It was very weird the way they insisted on staying there to eat, ignoring the fact that the kid was turning purple from screaming.

The people on the other side of our booth had been very vocal, with the husband using profanity-laced statements to make their displeasure of the situation known. Yes, it was annoying and aggravating and a few people even slapped down their money on the table without waiting for the bill to come and walked out, but the profanity was as annoying and aggravating to me as was the screaming. I even went over to their booth and asked the man to please stop using profanity. I said yes, it was very aggravating that the child is screaming and disrupting everyone’s meals, but your cussing about it is not making it any better. You have a young child sitting here beside you, I have two children at the next booth over, this entire area is filled children, and the language you are using is not the type of language ANYONE needs to be hearing. He glared at me with his beady little eyes, did a full head-to-toe type of leer, and then turned his attention to something outside the window. Can anyone say C-R-E-E-P-Y?

The poor baby’s screams became hoarse, then softer and softer until it eventually stopped. I guess the tyke either tired itself out or completely lost its voice. As soon as the screaming stopped, Hellish part #2 started.

Hellish part #2: The couple on the other side of our booth, the ones using profanity, started to grumble again. They were making statements such as “I’m glad that f**king baby shut the hell up.” “Can’t even enjoy a d*mn meal without listening to some f**king baby squall.” “D*mn parents ought to pay for everybody’s f**ing meal for making us listen to that d*mn brat they brought in here. Dumba**es.” There were several more comments along that line. He kept shooting his creepy little stares at me over the booth wall. With supreme effort I managed not to get back up and rip his larynx out.

Eventually he quit cussing and turned his attention to the young girl, presumably his daughter, that was in the booth with him and his wife. He started rubbing her shoulders, smiling real big and said, and I quote, “I get to give you your bath tonight! I’m going to run you a big tub full of bubbles and sprinkle in some of Mommy’s special bath beads. I’m going to wash your hair with that coconut shampoo. Then I’ll comb and blow-dry it for you.”

I had to pick my jaw up off the table. I will never forget those words for as long as I live. His voice has that creepy tone that makes you shiver. I felt like he was basically describing how he was going to clean her up before he did something disgusting to her. I looked at my husband and he also had a look of disgust on his face. That was it for me. I waved our server over, asked for and paid the bill. As we were leaving, I made sure to pause by that booth long enough to say “Can’t even enjoy a d*mn meal without listening to some f**king child molester describe how he is going to abuse his child.” I know, immature, retaliatory and impolite, but I just wanted him to know that I knew what he was planning to do.

I went outside and called the police to report a suspected case of child abuse. They sent some officers over; I told them what I heard and they said they could not do anything because he didn’t actually verbalize any intent to commit a crime against the child and I hadn’t witnessed him commit a crime. Oh, and that being creepy wasn’t a crime. I said “Well, if you had been in there, heard the way he said it and the way the child tried to shrink away when he started rubbing her shoulders, you would know he intended to commit a crime against her.” They said they would “have a talk” with him and send a report of suspected child abuse to Child Protective Services, but that’s all the law allowed them to do.

It was the loudest, creepiest dinner I have ever had. I have avoided returning to that restaurant because I’m not sure I could control myself if I ran into Mr. Cussing Creeper again.

- Michelle

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It was my first Paris layover and since I don’t speak a lick of French I decided to stick with my crew (I’m a flight attendant). Usually I like to venture out on my own in a new city, but I knew dinner was going to be a massive problem if left to my own devices. In addition to being a vegetarian, I’m by far the most picky eater I know and I could see myself accidentally ordering all kinds of horrible things without outside guidance. Even the most popular items on the menu could be something disgusting and I wouldn’t even realize it. For some reason I’m incredibly shy about trying to order food in strange countries. I’ve heard horror stories about Parisians giving major attitude and scorn to Americans who don’t at least try to speak the language. I’d love to try but I just can’t. I really don’t know the language whatsoever. That bluff would be a miserable fail.

The pilots and five of the other flight attendants (including our French speaker from the flight) agreed to meet under the Eiffel Tower at 8pm. I spent most of the day running around with my camera, trying to capture as much of the city as I could on film in the hours given. I made sure I was at the Eiffel Tower at 8pm though. In fact, I was there at 7:00, just in time to get yelled at in French for stepping on some grass where apparently there’s a “Keep Off Grass” sign.

We find an Italian place in a not-so-touristy area just across the Seine. If I’d been smart enough to think of Italian food I wouldn’t have needed to be with the crew since I can read the names of Italian dishes no problem. Oh well, I’m here now so let’s roll with it.

I’m a pretty light eater and I like to save money when I go out. I think it’s ridiculous to spend 12 Euro on a single glass of wine, especially if you’re just going to have the one glass and not catch a buzz. What’s the point? I don’t do appetizers or salad unless that’s going to be my entire meal. I never take dessert or an after-dinner drink. All of that is just a waste of money for me. I can have some drinks at a bar before dinner for much cheaper. I can eat an ice cream from a street vendor after we leave the restaurant at a fraction of the cost.

So the crew orders and I watch it happen. A couple of people want this appetizer and a couple more want this other one. It’s decided that the table will order three apps and everyone will just share them. I don’t object. I let it happen.

I’m drinking soda but everyone else gets wine with sparkling water on the side. Again, it’s decided that three bottles of each is good for everyone to share. I think that’s a smart decision on their part and fail to recognize how and why I’m being a complete idiot.

I have one basic pasta dish while everyone else gets some soup, salad, antipasto, prima and secondo courses. I marvel at the appetites these people have, even the skinny girls and waif thin gay boys I’m flying with. The wine runs dry and the flight attendants order more. I wonder if I’m getting paid the same amount as they are, the tab is really adding up in a hurry! If I knew the pilots were going to be paying for the meal I might partake in some of the extras, but I know that’s not going to happen. There are two gay boys with us and the pilots very rarely treat guys to dinner, especially the gay ones. I’m not willing to bank on the possibility that my dinner will be free. I order sensibly and economically.

Everyone finishes and they ask us if we want formaggio, dolci, cordials, or coffee. All four are ordered. I think about it, but look at the prices and decide against it. I can get a latte for a third that price at the coffee shop just around the corner from the hotel. Again, I think I’m being so responsible and smart. I’m about to see the error of my ways.

That moment arrives soon enough when the bill comes. It never occurred to me that paying for what you ordered wouldn’t be an option. My crew, now wasted on wine and Sambuca, insist that if we just divide by eight then we’ll be set. Everyone is okay with that. It’s at that point that I realize why the flight attendants were ordering more than the pilots. They knew this was going to happen. If the pilots are going to order all these extras and then make the crew split the bill, the only way to come out ahead is to top them and order more yourself. Well played flight attendants, well played.

There’s nothing I could do but pull out sixty Euros and think about the fifteen Euros worth of Coke and penne alla arrabiata I had. I grab the last bottle of wine still standing and empty it into my pristine, virginal glass. If I’m paying for this I may as well get as much out of it as I can. I grab a fork and have some Tiramisu. Lesson learned, but at a price.

Now I avoid eating with the crews as much as I can, at least in that large of a group. Smaller groups will let you get away with paying for what you order but never a group of eight. Never after that much alcohol. The only way to “win” is to order the appetizer, and the soup, and the salad, and the wine, and the third bottle, and the fifth bottle, and the dessert with Cognac, and anything else you could possible want. Hell, get a souvenir shirt and hat thrown on the tab too while you’re at it! As long as you’re eating and drinking more than everyone else, you come out ahead since the bill is getting split evenly. If you don’t play the game like that, it’s going to be a dinner from hell.

Signed- Brian Easley
My blog: Straight Guy in the Queer Skies

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I’ve been working at this certain restaurant for quite some time. The past Sunday afternoon I was working a lunch shift that typically lasts from 11:30am to 1:30pm. Sunday is the day that the trashiest and worst tippers come out to eat, and leave you cards with pictures of Jesus rather than tips. It was slow and I had only had three tables, all of which were white trash. Being white myself, I have no problem saying that I consider the white trash tables worse than “trashy” people of any other ethnicity because these tables know how to tip and disregard it. I pride myself on the fact that I care more about creating a great dining experience for guests than for trying to get a good tip. I do my work and don’t think about the tip until the end. However, when I get three $2.00 tips on $30.00 meals, I get very annoyed. My typical tip percentage is between 24% and 30% because I am very personable and nice to guests.

Anyways, as I am getting cut, I see a table of seven approaching the door. I needed the extra cash, so I request to stay on for the table. My manager agrees. The table of seven consists of seemingly 80+ year olds. Although there are seven chairs (four on one side and three on the other), they argue with me for five minutes that there are not enough seats. Finally, I persuade them to just try to fit and, of course, it works. I take drink orders and bring seven waters in about two minutes, along with rolls.

I let the table know about the special for the day – $3 off prime rib! Everyone at the table orders a 12 oz prime rib except for the old man on the end. He orders a 12oz ribeye. I repeat orders back twice, since I know old people get confused and can’t hear. Everyone smiles and nods their heads, so I put their orders in.

About 15 minutes later, I spot food runners heading to my table. All the prime ribs are set down and when the ribeye is set down, the old man YELLS at the food runner, “This is NOT what I ordered. What the heck are you doing???”

I instantly tell the food runner that I have control of the situation and approach the old man. “Sir, I have it written down here that you ordered a 12oz ribeye. Everyone else ordered prime rib.” On my notepad every seat’s entrée is listed as “12oz PR” except his, which is “12oz RIBEYE.”

The man looks up at me in outrage and yells “Are you calling me a LIAR? I KNOW what I ordered. This isn’t it. You wrote it down wrong and put it in wrong.”

Normally I follow the customer is right rule, but I was pissed off at being yelled at for nothing, so I told him “Sir, I said it back to you twice and you agreed it was right.” This infuriated him even further. Obviously this guy is constantly corrected for his bad memory because he got PISSED!

Another customer told my manager about the commotion, so he came over and asked what was wrong. The old man proceeded to tell my manager that I purposely put the wrong steak in for him then called him a liar. WTF? Luckily, my manager is used to crazy people and just kind of nodded his head and asked what he could do. Another old man at the table felt bad for me and switched entrees with the crazy man. Everything was then fine… or so I thought.

The crazy old man begins screaming at me as soon as my manager walks away and says I “PURPOSELY” gave him a SMALLER steak than everyone else because I was mad at him. Umm… hello psycho. Your friend switched with you. I haven’t taken a step away from the table or touched your food. Are you insane?

Eventually my manager gives him an additional 6oz just so he will shut the F up. The old crazy man proceeds to treat me like shit the rest of the night, and keeps muttering about me under his breath. I hear him tell the rest of the table that I am not getting a dime as a tip.

I did not stay an extra two hours to be yelled at and not tipped. We don’t do a gratuity where I work, but how would they know? On the check, under the total, I wrote, “Recommended (18%) Large Party Gratuity: $20.45″ (their bill was over $100). And guess what? I got it! And even better, as they walked out the door, one of the old ladies slipped me $7.00 and said “In case he didn’t tip well enough.” How nice.

Wow, sorry that your family dumped you in a retirement home old man. Don’t take it out on me!

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Magic Al

September 26, 2010

in Diner Stories

I was enjoying a fairly simple lunch at one of my favourite restaurants one afternoon when a man dressed in a cowboy suit entered the dining room. I didn’t know this at the time, but I eventually learned that this man was known in my hometown as Magic Al, and that he was an eccentric deaf man who liked to perform magic tricks for people.

Eventually he stood up from his seat and strolled over to the woman sitting at the table next to me. He started making strange noises and waving his hands around. The woman was clearly quite alarmed and had no idea what to say or do. When her husband arrived he asked what was going on. Magic Al then proceeded to whip out the poker cards and make them disappear in his hands. Next came the old handkerchief-appearing-in-my-hand trick, followed by a variety of strange magic acts. Half the dining room stared at this strange man and the disturbed couple he was attempting to entertain. When he got no applause and only some wild stares, he gave up and went back to his table. There were no more incidents after that but it was still a little bit entertaining!

- Peace Lover

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We’re Not Moving

May 16, 2010 Diner Stories

Our restaurant presents live musical performances on Fridays and Saturdays; usually upbeat jazz and R&B. These shows are very, very popular, and we encourage people (via our website and press releases) to call the restaurant to reserve a seat. I was in the middle of seating a whole lot of people on a Friday night; [...]

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On A Slow Boat To China

May 12, 2010 Diner Stories

After spending the last 18 of my 32 years in the restaurant business in the Chinese restaurant niche, I’ve become astounded at the way some older men, particularly veterans, are like dinosaurs when it comes to their racist remarks. For the record, my heritage is German; I’m not Asian-looking at all (rather very WASPy) but [...]

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The Smelly Man

April 21, 2010 Diner Stories

I work in a busy restaurant and we have all sorts of people coming and going. But there was one customer that was quite frankly hard to forget. He was well known throughout my hometown as the smelly man because well – he smells. No that is an understatement, he reeks but I do not [...]

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Cursed At For Cutting In Line

April 17, 2010 Diner Stories

I was visiting my family in Wichita, KS, and right before I was to fly out, we went to a well-known local fast food chain restaurant. We were standing and looking at the menu, when a large man came in with an elderly man and disabled child. They were standing somewhat closer to the counter, [...]

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Creepy Diner

April 17, 2010 Diner Stories

My mother and I once went to Edinburgh in Scotland for a trip and stopped by to eat at a friendly looking restaurant. It was almost deserted as night had set in. However there was a scruffy, shifty and downright scary gentleman sitting just a few tables away from us. You could tell he was [...]

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A Big Red Smile

April 6, 2010 Diner Stories

I once totally humiliated myself after eating out at a local Italian restaurant. At the time I had only been there a few times but the food was great. I ate a mouth watering spaghetti with sauce that went flying everywhere as I sucked the spaghetti up. It was only when I got home and [...]

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