Food & Drink Stories

Let me set the scenario…

I work at a world-renowned health spa. I’ve been in the food and beverage industry for 20 years. I’ve opened many a bottle of wine and Champagne throughout my career. Since it’s a health spa I work at, not as many people order alcohol as in other restaurants, so it’s exciting when they do. $$$ Check average = more tip.

Last night one of my first tables was celebrating an anniversary and ordered a bottle of Drappier Champagne. This particular bottle has a lower sugar content than other Champagnes, so it tends to have a bigger kick. Excitedly I go to the table and present the bottle. I then gracefully remove the foil, loosen the cage, and hold it at a 45 degree angle. Since it was chilled nicely, there was a slight condensation all around. I carefully made sure that I had a firm grip on the cork and that it was not aimed in the direction of others. With a smile, I proceeded to remove the cork.

Instead of a desired “psst,” there went a “POW!” The cork remained tightly in my grip. Then using the condensation as a run way, the bottle shot backwards out of my other hand, hit the floor, and created quite the spectacle!!! Bubbly Champagne shot up high in the air, christened a couple of innocent bystanders, went up one side of me, and up the other!!! I had this refined beverage in my hair, eyes, and through my undergarments!!! I have no idea what was my facial expression, but I’m sure it was priceless!!!

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I’d been backpacking for two weeks all up and down the East Coast of Australia. I spent the entire day on a boat going out to the Great Barrier Reef, snorkeling, and then coming back to this little island near the mainland. It was a day in the sun all day long, a lot of physical activity, and no real food. I didn’t really eat the day before because I was too hungover from my last night in Cairns – Australia’s answer to Daytona Beach during Spring Break.

I was knackered on the ride back from the Reef. On the way up I was all over the place. I spent most of the journey on the sun deck with my CDs, watching the boat travel over the endless miles of water. On the way back though, I sat inside and watched the movie they were playing on the television monitors. By the time Meet the Parents was over, we were almost at Magnetic Island, my stop for the night. With this reef deal I booked, I also got three nights on Magnetic Island in a hostel. The whole dive/hostel package was only seventy dollars American. Unbelievable!

Because of my less than filling express lunch, I was starved when I got to the hostel. The island is small, but the one and only grocery store is on the other side of it and it’s too far to go by foot. Most people here hire Mokies, these little supercharged golf carts that you can go off-roading with. The Mokie rental place is closed at this evening hour so they’re not an option. The Mokies are stick anyways and I’ve never driven stick. I guess this is the best place to learn, but not right now.

I walk along the little ten-store boardwalk promenade by the ocean and see an Italian restaurant. I’m starving at this point. The countless meals of macaroni and grilled cheese sandwiches are taking their toll. The special of the day is spaghetti with marinara sauce. That sounds good to me and it looks like it’s about the only vegetarian choice. The food doesn’t come out quick enough and when it does, I’m in horror. I look up at the Specials of the Day sign and reread it. Okay, I didn’t notice that “Seafood Medley” is written in small print under “marinara sauce.” The spaghetti is doused with shrimp, little clams or something and then these things that I don’t even know what. They have tentacles and they look like the creatures that hang out in that seedy cantina bar at the beginning of Star Wars.

I don’t like chicken or beef, but I do like the smell. However I hate everything about seafood, especially if it isn’t fried, especially if it’s in-between my mouth and my only real meal of the week. I scrape all the sauce over to the side and just eat the noodles. The smell is bad enough. I have to concentrate real hard not to gag, or worse. I chew the bite slowly and the only thing I can taste is tentacle. I shower the spaghetti with salt and pepper and try again. It tastes like crap, but at least it doesn’t taste like seafood. I turn my nose off and eat the bites as quickly as possible, washing each bite down with Coke. Normally I’d just not eat the dish, but I’m seriously cramping because of malnutrition. This plate of salt and pepper should help.

I pick at the spaghetti furthest from the mound of sauce but not too close to the bottom where the smelly clam water had collected. As I twirl my fork, I watch the individual pieces of spaghetti getting dragged across the shrimp and over the suction cups of the mystery animal. This is the second time I’ve had to eat around meat on this trip. When we were at the Sail Club in Surfers Paradise, my penne with pesto came with chicken chunks in it. I ate around those with little problem. This, however, is a completely different deal. I eat as much as I can which is just enough to stop the cramps in my stomach. First thing tomorrow I’m finding that damn grocery store and I’m buying three days worth of food. If any of my friends back home could see this, they’d be laughing their asses off.

Signed- Brian Easley
My blog: Straight Guy in the Queer Skies

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My wife and I were on a Caribbean cruise and decided to eat at one of the specialty restaurants on the ship. They charge an extra fee per person for these meals. The Italian restaurant we chose was wonderful in terms of service (attentive and informative), taste (everything was great), and ambience (quiet, view). The problem? The meal was so huge it became dissatisfying. Yes, we were told the meal was a 16 course dinner (12 courses reflect different hot and cold appetizers served family style, then salad, pasta, entrée, and desert). Not wanting to miss out on our money’s worth, we began by eating all of the appetizers. Realizing we were already getting full, we started to ease off on the pasta, but it was all very, very tasty.

Then our entrées arrived. I had ordered a veal chop. When it appeared, I was stunned. It was the size of the state of Delaware! I can’t even remember what my wife ordered. Well, it too was just so great. I ate it! It was a struggle! We passed on desert and left feeling full beyond belief and not particularly comfortable. The rest of the night was pretty hellish!

This was all clearly self-inflicted hell, but I still cannot believe the size of the entrées that were served on top of the amount of food in the previous courses. I have to imagine the wait staff were laughing on the inside. Yes, we could have taken a doggie bag, but on a cruise one only has access to a fridge, so we would have to eat the leftovers cold. I learned my lesson. We still love to cruise, but we’re never doing a 16 course meal again!

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We have been regulars at a local New Mexican restaurant since it opened over 12 years ago. Last winter my husband and I ordered the seasonal posole soup. The waitress brought the bowls of soup out, only his was menudo, made with tripe. They looked and smelled differently, and when we pointed this out to our waitress she stated that it couldn’t be menudo since she had ladled them out herself. She never checked back, and later she removed my husband’s untouched bowl of obvious menudo. We paid and tipped as normal (which made me irritated). The next time we went to the restaurant we complained to our favorite waitress.

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Some Like It Hot

May 7, 2010 Food & Drink Stories

I’m a server who’s been working in Chinese restaurants for years, even though I’m not Chinese. I had a group of four customers who’re older who used to come in at least once a week — and commence immediately telling me and anyone who’d listen that every single thing they got was “ice cold.” Except [...]

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More Cheese Please

April 9, 2010 Food & Drink Stories

A year ago we had an incident at the Lexington, SC “S’s” location where an older female employee made a scene when I asked if I could have more cheese on my cheese sandwich. Cheese had been treated like a “condiment,” you could barely see any. She got in my face and was loud, explaining [...]

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An Issue With A Tissue

March 19, 2010 Food & Drink Stories

On Saturday the 13th of March, my wife and I went into O’C’s located in Avon, Indiana. We were greeted cordially and seated promptly. After sitting in the booth for a while, we noticed ants crawling on us and the table. We also noticed ants crawling along the window sill. We informed the waiter who [...]

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The Blob

February 21, 2010 Food & Drink Stories

My friend once told me of a strange incident that happened to her while eating at a local fast food restaurant with her girlfriends. Her friend ordered a simple grilled chicken burger and asked that the mayonnaise be left out. Her burger was given to her and they all sat down to eat. However when [...]

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Curried Rat

February 5, 2010 Food & Drink Stories

I went to a Thai restaurant and ordered Panang Curry with white rice and chicken. What I was served was not chicken. It was slimy, gray, and very chewy. I’m pretty sure I was served rat. I ate one bite and spit it up. I was too embarrassed to tell the waitress what I thought, [...]

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Pizza Predicament

February 5, 2010 Food & Drink Stories

A long time ago when I was still in college, my family decided to take me out for pizza on my birthday. We decided to try the new location for a favorite pizza chain of ours. It was all adults and there were about 8 of us, so we ordered 3 large pizzas. We got [...]

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