We’re Not Moving

May 16, 2010

in Diner Stories

Our restaurant presents live musical performances on Fridays and Saturdays; usually upbeat jazz and R&B. These shows are very, very popular, and we encourage people (via our website and press releases) to call the restaurant to reserve a seat.

I was in the middle of seating a whole lot of people on a Friday night; the place was packed; four of my most favorite customers (who’d called the week before to reserve) were with me, heading toward one of the prime tables in the restaurant. The five of us were nearly knocked over by a rather rotund woman and her husband who went running past us – and sat down at the table we were headed to (it was marked with a card saying “reserved”).

I asked my customers to bear with us a moment and went to tell the couple that they couldn’t sit there; it’d been reserved and that I’d be happy to get them another table if they’d wait for a moment. The lady looked at me and said “we’re not moving.” I replied that she was a party of two occupying a reserved table set for four. Again, all she said was “we’re not moving.” Not wanting to cause a scene; I seated my table of four at a booth (one they really didn’t want – but they were understanding) and then went to my service staff and told the server in that section that I did not want her to waste her time on the offending couple; that I just wanted them to wait and maybe they’d just go away.

Over the next 45 minutes, the woman continued to sit there, oblivious to the fact that she was being intentionally ignored, but for the fact that every time I passed the table, she’d utter some sort of obscenity, very loudly, in my direction. “F*ck! Sh*t. Dick-head. Assh*le.” It started to wear on the diners seated in the vicinity. I finally went to the table and said “I guess you didn’t get the hint; you and your date need to leave right now.” To which she again said, “we’re not moving.”

I called the police. We have a liquor license and are therefore entitled to eject any customer, for any reason, without repercussion. It seemed to me if an individual was being this belligerent she must’ve had something to drink, or worse, a pill or something like that. But I must tell you I can’t stand having to call the police – I’d much rather reserve that for when we really need them. Most of the time, I can get even the most unreasonable customer to a middle ground where we can at least respect each other. In this case it just wasn’t going to happen.

When the officers arrived, they heard what was going on and rolled their eyes – in disbelief that all I called them for was a customer who wouldn’t change her table. I was telling them the details of this woman’s behavior as we approached the table (two of the four tables surrounding this woman applauded me and the cops when we arrived – they stood and applauded) and when she turned around and saw us all, she lunged up at me with her water glass, aiming it right at my face. The cops tackled her but not before I got a glass full of water all over my suit and a nasty knot in my head where the glass hit me (thank God it didn’t break).

Meanwhile, astonishingly, her date (or her husband) stood by, wordlessly. When prompted by the police for a comment, he just said “oh, she’s pretty demanding. She’s like this all the time.” We were rendered momentarily speechless. He seemed genuinely surprised when they put the handcuffs on the lady. She, meanwhile, was vomiting obscenities and told the police and me that our mothers were “whores” and worse.

Now, I could’ve filed assault charges that’d have resulted in up to five years’ jail time in our state. I declined. I did, however, tell the Court that I wanted this woman to get some sort of counseling – the judge concurred.

Now, when that party of four – the ones who the table was intended for – comes in for one of their frequent visits to our restaurant, we have a little schtick. They sit down immediately at their favorite table, and when I come to get their drink orders, they all chime in at once “we’re not moving!”

– Xiao Gou

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Clare May 16, 2010 at 10:37 am

I have only one complaint about your story, and that's because you referred to the woman as a "lady".

She's not a "lady" in any sense of the word.


Jack May 17, 2010 at 12:01 pm

Clare, are you really that gullible to believe Xia Gou's stories verbatim?


Clare May 19, 2010 at 9:38 am

Let us just say that I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.


Xiao Gou May 16, 2010 at 10:40 am

Clare, I have to say that you are one classy lady!

It's important that we not forget, no matter how horrible an individual's behavior, that we're all "ladies and gentlemen," out loud. Of course, what we all think in our minds is sometimes not fit to print. If you stoop to the level of bone-heads like this, however, you're defeating yourself.


Jack May 16, 2010 at 11:21 am

A "hot" teapot may have been the answer to your problem.

I guess this woman is the exception to the rule that "the customer is always right." 🙂


Mindy May 17, 2010 at 3:05 am

LOL. I love your stories Xiao Gou. Please continue to post. 🙂


Hugh May 18, 2010 at 1:16 am

Are you sure it wasn't Peace Lover and his mother at the table?


Clare May 18, 2010 at 1:51 am

Which Peace Lover? The real one or the fake one?


First Man May 18, 2010 at 4:16 am

Maybe both of them.


Hugh May 19, 2010 at 1:53 am

I was thinking the real one, but truly, either one works.


Peace Lover May 18, 2010 at 9:01 am

Hello everyone. This is the real me by the way, not that delightfully creative impersonator. Anyway I've written this comment to ask everyone a question. Ever since I came here I have treated everyone with the same level of respect and compassion that they deserve. In thanks, most of the time I have received nothing but abuse. So my question is why? You're ever so honest comments only make me laugh both at you're wrightings and at you. Attacking those who are different is not a sign of being tough but cowardice. Also I have no intention of stopping my comments or changing my name and there is nothing you can do about it. So I request you please just back off as I would never insult any of you online or face to face. Thank you Gregg for defending me on Flights From Hell and Thanks to everyone for reading my comment. Peace.


Hugh May 19, 2010 at 1:57 am

Peace…we aren't attacking you for being different. Speaking for myself, I do it because you seem to post absolutely ridiculous posts, dealing with situations in a completely unrealistic way, and making wild assumptions. At times, your "peacenik" posts come across almost condescending. Also, I mock you for your horrible spelling. I'm not talking about an occasional "fat finger", but from your writing, it appears you never finished grade school. Advice…spellchecker…use it.


Jack May 19, 2010 at 1:12 pm



Sean T February 10, 2017 at 10:49 am

Says the guy who can't spell "exemplary."


First Man May 20, 2010 at 4:24 am



At Your Service May 21, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Xiao Gou… funniest/craziest story I have read on the web since "The Spitter" on stuckserving.com. Keep 'em coming!


Jack May 22, 2010 at 11:32 pm

You are easily amused. Do you write with crayons?


College Kid November 3, 2010 at 9:12 am

"But I must tell you I can’t stand having to call the police "

excellent! take care of your own problems! I <3 people that would rather handle things themselves then bother the police with their petty disagreements and annoyances.


Laura January 19, 2011 at 12:09 am

I'm disappointed that you didn't press charges. The next waiter could get a steak knife aimed at their head, and you are partially responsible because you did nothing to prevent it.

Hah, ok, responsibility has nothing to do with it, I just want that bitch to rot in jail and be made someone's bitch. Imagine her crawling to the top bunk and trying to tell some butch Bertha "I'm not moving!" and losing her teeth in the process…


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